The Christmas Bells

     Many moms with autistic children consider themselves "Warrior Autism Moms."  I can certainly understand why.  As a mom with a child on the spectrum we battle doctors, teachers and the school system.  On top of the war that happens outside our home, there's a very real war that happens inside it. I battle my son daily.  From the time he wakes up and resists getting dressed.  The battle is on.  My weapons are time outs, rewards and removal of favored objects.  His weapons are meltdowns and simple noncompliance.  His weapons are surprisingly effective.  Mine HAVE to be better.  I simply cannot afford to lose.

     But I don't consider myself a Warrior Autism Mom because I don't WANT to fight my son.  I'm the soldier on the battlefield who's actually a pacifist in my own mind.  Forced to fight in a war that's not of my choosing.  Against an enemy I can't see and don't understand.  Forced to do battle against a child that has all my heart and soul.  I can't really describe how it feels.  To love a child THIS much and yet still feel like he's lost if I don't do battle.  If I don't win then I haven't lost.  He has.  So I'm a Reluctant Warrior Mom.

     Most children with autism have an issue with impulse control.  They simply cannot control impulses like closing doors and turning off light switches.  It's not that they are being defiant when you tell them not to turn off the light.  They simply can't resist the impulse.  Telling them no is a lot like spitting in the wind.  It's very frustrating as a parent.  There's also the very real question:  Is it defiance or autism?  My son can absolutely be defiant.  It's part of who he is.  So, it's up to me to wonder whether or not he CAN control himself and simply doesn't want to or is it yet another impulse control issue?

     This issue arose recently with the Christmas Bells.  My mother-in-law gave us some little bells that play music.  They're very old so we put them up high, but my son can still reach them.  He loves to turn them on.  The problem is that they're very loud.  And with a television running and iPads playing it's simply too much noise.  So I finally told him that if he turned them on one more time without permission then we had to put them away.  You can imagine what happened.  I knew when I said that what would happen.  And yes, the Christmas Bells were put away.  But it had to be done.

     See, it's my philosophy that if I don't challenge my son he'll never be able to control himself.  If I don't give him a reason to develop self control then he'll never have it.  He's blatantly not interested in developing it on his own.  But society frowns on children who insist on turning on and off light switches in public places or removing all the ornaments on the christmas tree in the doctor's office.  So I have to help him develop the control he needs to function adequately.  Many moms frown on this because they believe I'm punishing him for something he can't control.  And they're partly right.  But I consider it a part of the battle.  I encourage him.  I challenge him.  I want him to do better.  I'm unwilling to accept that this is all he'll ever be.  So I give him a tool:  resist the impulse and keep the bells.

      He failed this year, but he won't always fail.  He'll learn to control himself.  He'll learn to resist the impulses.  He's a very smart child, and I know he can do more.  I have very high expectations.  He's my son and I love him dearly, but I would be remiss to allow him to be less than what he's fully capable of. It's why I fight.  It's why I do battle every stinking day and hate every minute of it.  I'm doing what I have to do.  A pacifist in the war of my life.  The Reluctant Warrior Autism Mom.  That's me.